Its Not About You Separating the Person from the Problem in Executive Disputes

A tense silence hangs over the boardroom. The VP of Sales and the VP of Product are locked in a standoff. "Your team missed the deadline, and now my biggest client is threatening to walk," the sales VP says, his voice tight with accusation. The product VP fires back, "Maybe if your team hadn't promised an impossible timeline, we wouldn't be in this mess."

It's a classic corporate showdown. The conversation has become a battle of egos, a zero-sum game of blame and defense. The actual problem — the client relationship and the product delay — is lost in a fog of personal conflict. As a leader, your instinct might be to find a compromise or assign blame. Both are mistakes.

In a hostage negotiation, the moment you make the situation about you versus the hostage-taker, you've lost. The emotional stakes become too high, and rational problem-solving becomes impossible. The single most important principle we learn is to separate the person from the problem. We make the issue the adversary, and we invite the person on the other side of the table to join us in fighting it.

This principle is not just for life-or-death crises; it is the secret to resolving any high-stakes executive dispute.

The Blame Game: A Race to the Bottom

When conflict becomes personal, our brains revert to their most primitive settings. We are no longer executives trying to solve a complex problem; we are tribal warriors defending our territory and our status. This dynamic triggers a predictable and destructive cycle:

• Attack/Defend: One person attacks "You missed the deadline", the other defends "It wasn't my fault". No progress is made.
• Entrenched Positions: Each party digs deeper into their own position, becoming less willing to consider alternatives.
• Focus on Winning: The goal shifts from finding the best solution for the organisation to simply winning the argument.

This is a losing game. Even if one person "wins," the relationship is damaged, trust is eroded, and the underlying problem often remains unsolved.

The Negotiator's Reframe: "Us vs. The Problem"

The solution is to fundamentally change the dynamic of the conversation. As a leader, your job is to reframe the conflict from "You vs. Me" to "Us vs. The Problem." This isn't a semantic trick; it's a profound psychological shift.

Here's how to do it in practice:

1. Physically Reorient the Room.

If two people are squared off across a table, you're in a battle. Get up and move to a whiteboard. Write the problem at the top. For example: "Problem: Client X is at risk due to a 2-week product delay." Now, you are all physically standing on the same side, looking at the problem together. The simple act of changing the physical orientation can change the mental one.

2. Use Inclusive Language.‍

Stop using "you" and "I." Start using "we" and "us." * Instead of: "Why did your team miss the deadline?" * Try: "What were the obstacles that prevented us from hitting the timeline?" * Instead of: "What are you going to do about it?" * Try: "How can we work together to solve this for the client?"

3. Acknowledge Both Perspectives Without Taking Sides.‍

Use the Empathy Loop to show both parties they've been heard. * "So, from your perspective, John, the core issue is that an unrealistic timeline was set, putting your team under immense pressure. It sounds like you're feeling frustrated that you were set up to fail." * "And from your perspective, Sarah, the critical issue is that a commitment was missed, which has damaged a key client relationship and put your team's credibility on the line. It seems like you're feeling the heat and are worried about the fallout."

By demonstrating that you understand both of their worlds, you drain the emotional poison from the conversation. They no longer need to fight to be heard.

The Real Adversary

When you successfully separate the people from the problem, the energy in the room changes. The focus shifts from assigning blame to generating solutions. The VPs of Sales and Product are no longer adversaries; they are two smart leaders applying their unique expertise to a common enemy: the risk of losing a client.

This is the essence of high-level Conflict Resolutions. It's not about finding a weak compromise or deciding who is right. It's about uniting the parties involved against a shared challenge. As a leader, when you can master this reframe, you stop managing personalities and start solving problems. You transform a boardroom brawl into a strategic huddle, and in doing so, you unlock your team's true collective intelligence.

Tired of refereeing personal disputes instead of solving business problems?

Learning to separate the person from the problem is a leadership superpower. Schedule a call with Scott to discuss how this and other crisis-tested frameworks can transform how your team handles conflict.