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Insights on Negotiation
Explore our latest articles on negotiation and communication.
Influence
Essential Guides for Navigating Critical Negotiation Scenarios
Unlock the secrets to successful negotiations with our comprehensive resources, designed to equip you with the skills and strategies needed to handle even the most challenging situations.
Before we get into this weeks newsletter, I wanted to remind you of my new ‘Thrive Under Pressure Programme’ launching May 20th.(Thank you to everyone who’s already signed up for the waitlist!)After 20+ years negotiating in life-or-death situations, I've distilled everything into one programme.
The saying 'No mud, no lotus', attributed to Thich Nhat Hanh (Buddhist monk and peace activist), embodies the fact that even the hardest of times can yield beautiful lessons and help us find empowering meaning.
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It's an exclusive 8-week live and virtual programme to master communication, negotiation, and decision-making. It's an exclusive 8-week live and virtual programme to master communication, negotiation, and decision-making. Whether a corporate leader, an entrepreneurial business owner, or a growth-minded individual, this is an opportunity to elevate your skills and operate at the highest level, no matter how challenging the environment or circumstances.
Ever tried thinking clearly with music blasting in your ears? Impossible, right? Your emotions work the same way. Turn them up too loud, and rational thinking gets drowned out. When I’m negotiating a kidnapping case, emotions run high. Families are distraught. Company executives are panicking. But my job? Stay calm and help everyone make smart decisions—even when it feels like the world is falling apart.
You don't need to be held hostage by emotional vampires.In my years of crisis negotiation, I've learned that the most draining people aren't always the kidnappers - they're often the colleagues and stakeholders on our own side.I call this the "crisis within the crisis," and it typically consumed 80% of my energy during negotiations.Sound familiar?
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Here's something I've noticed both in crisis negotiations and everyday life: Focus has become our scarcest resource. From the moment we wake up until we fall asleep, we're bombarded with stimulation, information, and demands for our attention. But here's the thing - while we think we're being productive by juggling all these urgent demands, there's a single, clear productivity killer that's wrecking the quality of our lives. And no, it's not your smartphone. It's multitasking. But multitasking doesn't actually exist. What you're really doing is rapidly shifting your attention back and forth between things.
I caught myself doing it again last week.I was having coffee with an old colleague who was sharing a challenging situation about their team.Before they could even finish, I was already jumping in with my own story about a similar situation I'd faced.
The quality of your conversations - and by extension, your relationships, deals, and leadership - depends on your ability to put aside what you think you know and get genuinely curious about what's actually true.
You've probably noticed this in your own conversations - that urge to fill every quiet moment, to jump in with a response, to keep the conversation moving.But what if our discomfort with silence is causing us to miss its power?
We all have them - those people who can take you from calm to triggered in seconds. The family member who knows exactly what to say to get under your skin. The person who constantly interrupts you in meetings. What's fascinating isn't that they can trigger us - it's that they can do it so predictably, almost like pressing a button. Here's what most people get wrong: They think the solution is changing the other person's behaviour. But that's like trying to control the weather. Your time and attention is much better placed in understanding your own triggers.
ver notice how quickly we jump to fixing things? Your friend starts sharing a problem, and halfway through their first sentence, you're already formulating solutions. Your colleague raises an issue, and before they've finished explaining, you're offering three different ways to solve it. We think we're being helpful.
I was recently asked what skill I rely on most in negotiations.The person asking probably expected me to say something like strategic questioning or emotional intelligence.But my answer?Learning to read the room.
As we approach the new year, many of us will make resolutions about exercise, diet, or productivity.But here's a thought: what if your biggest opportunity for growth lies in how you communicate?Every major breakthrough in your life - personal or professional - will likely come through conversation.
Family gatherings can trigger some of our most challenging conversations.The holiday season has a way of amplifying tensions, resurfacing old patterns, and testing our communication skills to their limits.After years of handling high-stakes negotiations, I've noticed something interesting: family discussions often fail for the same reasons hostage negotiations do - emotions.Here's what most people get wrong: They prepare what to say, but not how to listen.
Most people think difficult conversations require complex solutions. But from my experience, I've learned the opposite is true. The hardest conversations often demand the clearest communication. Yet we often hide behind complexity.
Let's talk about something that's been playing on my mind lately - this idea that we always need to appear strong in our interactions with others.It's interesting how many of us have bought into this myth that showing any kind of vulnerability means we're weak.
In sensitive conversations, the key is to slow everything down. Speaking more slowly and using silence effectively gives people the space they need to think and feel without pressure.
I know your inbox is probably drowning in Black Friday offers right now (mine too!). I've mentioned this deal a couple of times, but this really is your last chance to grab it - and I genuinely believe it could transform your life.
If you prefer Kindle, or you've been waiting for the right moment - this is it. My Sunday Times bestseller 'Order Out of Chaos' is just 99p on Kindle for Black Friday. Transform how you handle every conversation for less than your morning coffee. These are the same communication strategies that have saved lives in hostage situations - imagine what they could do for your daily interactions.
'Order Out of Chaos' is just 99p on Kindle for Black Friday. Transform how you handle every conversation for less than your morning coffee. These are the same communication strategies that have saved lives in hostage situations - imagine what they could do for your daily interactions.
You aren't simply reacting to the world around you - you're actively creating your emotional experience.Your emotions come from a mix of your past life experiences, along with your thoughts, situations and other people in the present moment.
In these types of conversations, both you and the other person will likely experience strong emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, or regret‘Good planning can help you manage these powerful emotions better.Make sure you’re feeling calm and centred before having the conversations.’
The way you speak shapes how you experience life and influences the outcomes of your conversations. Think of yourself as a meaning-maker; you create meaning through the words you choose.
First, thank you for entering the Order Out of Chaos signed book giveaway.While you weren't the lucky winner this time, I wanted to reach out with some exciting news.The paperback edition of my Sunday Times bestseller Order Out of Chaos launches on November 8th, and here's why you might want to grab a copy…
I wanted to reach out with some exciting news.The paperback edition of my Sunday Times bestseller Order Out of Chaos launches on November 8th, and here's why you might want to grab a copy…Every day, we face conversations that shape our lives - from negotiating a promotion to resolving family conflicts. But most of us were never taught how to handle them effectively.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is key to becoming a great negotiator and communicator.It's even seen as a better predictor of life success than IQ.EQ was first defined in 1990 by psychologists as the ability to recognise feelings in yourself and others and use this to guide your behaviour.
Whatever you focus on and the meaning you give it will affect how you feel and, subsequently, the actions you then take.This, in turn, will affect how the other person perceives you and how they respond.This can be seen in the diagram of the ‘Betari’s box’ concept, which illustrates how your attitude and behaviour affects the attitude and behaviour of the people you interact with.
The brain is like playdough, constantly reshaping. Parts of it can’t tell the difference between fully immersive closed-eye visualisation and the real thing. There have many studies into the power of visualisation on high performance, particularly in sport.
The quality of your life is directly linked to the quality of your emotions. The more you understand and manage your emotions, the better your life will be. Think of it like a superpower: when you understand how emotions affect your behaviour (and others), you can use them to get what you want.
In any situation requiring strong communication, but particularly in a crisis, there is no room for ego. The most effective negotiators realise this and park theirs at the door. They understand the necessity of being able to manage their thoughts and behaviour effectively.
How you negotiate with yourself is crucial.Those conversations are probably the most important ones you’ll ever have.Achieving the result you’re looking for, whether that’s a pay rise, a business deal or training to run your first marathon, depends on whether you negotiate with yourself using empowering and positive language or the disempowering and negative kind.
Extensive research supports the benefits of breathing techniques on the nervous system, showing they can reduce stress and promote calmness.
When triggered, your reaction can range from unhealthy (e.g., reaching for your phone, smoking, overeating) to beneficial (exercising, journaling, meditating).The key lies in identifying the brief moment between the trigger and your response.This approach, as Victor Frankl (Austrian neurologist, psychologist and Holocaust survivor) suggested, allows you to move through life with grace, authenticity, and meaning.It helps you become the calm centre in the middle of any storm, improving your ability to handle stress, stay present, and maintain control.
Often, the very structure of our workplaces can impede effective communication.The culture set by managers and leaders plays a critical role in shaping our interactions.
The psychologist and best-selling author of several books on raising children, Dr Shefali Tsabary, argues that when parents find themselves triggered by their child’s behaviour, they should try to focus on understanding what the triggers might mean.
Avoid these 3 barriers to great communication
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, both of you trying to prove you're right, knowing full well that neither of you is the enemy?
Picture this: A sunny afternoon, a winding road in the hills. Philip, a $200 million business tycoon, is driving his new BMW to the airport.Suddenly, three pickup trucks box him in. Men in balaclavas, brandishing AK47s, surround him.Within moments, Philip is blindfolded, bound, and thrown into a truck.The kidnappers torch his BMW, leaving no trace.This isn't fiction.This was the beginning of one of the most challenging kidnap negotiations I've ever faced.Today, I'm sharing three critical techniques from this case that can transform your business dealings and personal interactions.
Have you ever felt like a hostage to your own emotions? I certainly have.Picture this: I'm in a cramped London flat, surrounded by a distraught family. Their son has been kidnapped, and I'm their lifeline.My heart's pounding, hands slightly shaking.I'm supposed to be the expert, but in that moment, I feel anything but.That was my first kidnapping case.It taught me a crucial lesson: before I could negotiate with kidnappers, I needed to negotiate with myself.You see, whether you're dealing with hostile kidnappers or a difficult colleague, the key to success lies in mastering your mindset and emotions.
It's an exclusive 8-week live and virtual programme to master communication, negotiation, and decision-making. It's an exclusive 8-week live and virtual programme to master communication, negotiation, and decision-making. Whether a corporate leader, an entrepreneurial business owner, or a growth-minded individual, this is an opportunity to elevate your skills and operate at the highest level, no matter how challenging the environment or circumstances.
You don't need to be held hostage by emotional vampires.In my years of crisis negotiation, I've learned that the most draining people aren't always the kidnappers - they're often the colleagues and stakeholders on our own side.I call this the "crisis within the crisis," and it typically consumed 80% of my energy during negotiations.Sound familiar?
The quality of your conversations - and by extension, your relationships, deals, and leadership - depends on your ability to put aside what you think you know and get genuinely curious about what's actually true.
You've probably noticed this in your own conversations - that urge to fill every quiet moment, to jump in with a response, to keep the conversation moving.But what if our discomfort with silence is causing us to miss its power?
I was recently asked what skill I rely on most in negotiations.The person asking probably expected me to say something like strategic questioning or emotional intelligence.But my answer?Learning to read the room.
Family gatherings can trigger some of our most challenging conversations.The holiday season has a way of amplifying tensions, resurfacing old patterns, and testing our communication skills to their limits.After years of handling high-stakes negotiations, I've noticed something interesting: family discussions often fail for the same reasons hostage negotiations do - emotions.Here's what most people get wrong: They prepare what to say, but not how to listen.
Most people think difficult conversations require complex solutions. But from my experience, I've learned the opposite is true. The hardest conversations often demand the clearest communication. Yet we often hide behind complexity.
Let's talk about something that's been playing on my mind lately - this idea that we always need to appear strong in our interactions with others.It's interesting how many of us have bought into this myth that showing any kind of vulnerability means we're weak.
If you prefer Kindle, or you've been waiting for the right moment - this is it. My Sunday Times bestseller 'Order Out of Chaos' is just 99p on Kindle for Black Friday. Transform how you handle every conversation for less than your morning coffee. These are the same communication strategies that have saved lives in hostage situations - imagine what they could do for your daily interactions.
'Order Out of Chaos' is just 99p on Kindle for Black Friday. Transform how you handle every conversation for less than your morning coffee. These are the same communication strategies that have saved lives in hostage situations - imagine what they could do for your daily interactions.
You aren't simply reacting to the world around you - you're actively creating your emotional experience.Your emotions come from a mix of your past life experiences, along with your thoughts, situations and other people in the present moment.
In these types of conversations, both you and the other person will likely experience strong emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, or regret‘Good planning can help you manage these powerful emotions better.Make sure you’re feeling calm and centred before having the conversations.’
The brain is like playdough, constantly reshaping. Parts of it can’t tell the difference between fully immersive closed-eye visualisation and the real thing. There have many studies into the power of visualisation on high performance, particularly in sport.
The quality of your life is directly linked to the quality of your emotions. The more you understand and manage your emotions, the better your life will be. Think of it like a superpower: when you understand how emotions affect your behaviour (and others), you can use them to get what you want.
Extensive research supports the benefits of breathing techniques on the nervous system, showing they can reduce stress and promote calmness.
Often, the very structure of our workplaces can impede effective communication.The culture set by managers and leaders plays a critical role in shaping our interactions.
The psychologist and best-selling author of several books on raising children, Dr Shefali Tsabary, argues that when parents find themselves triggered by their child’s behaviour, they should try to focus on understanding what the triggers might mean.
Before we get into this weeks newsletter, I wanted to remind you of my new ‘Thrive Under Pressure Programme’ launching May 20th.(Thank you to everyone who’s already signed up for the waitlist!)After 20+ years negotiating in life-or-death situations, I've distilled everything into one programme.
Ever tried thinking clearly with music blasting in your ears? Impossible, right? Your emotions work the same way. Turn them up too loud, and rational thinking gets drowned out. When I’m negotiating a kidnapping case, emotions run high. Families are distraught. Company executives are panicking. But my job? Stay calm and help everyone make smart decisions—even when it feels like the world is falling apart.
Here's something I've noticed both in crisis negotiations and everyday life: Focus has become our scarcest resource. From the moment we wake up until we fall asleep, we're bombarded with stimulation, information, and demands for our attention. But here's the thing - while we think we're being productive by juggling all these urgent demands, there's a single, clear productivity killer that's wrecking the quality of our lives. And no, it's not your smartphone. It's multitasking. But multitasking doesn't actually exist. What you're really doing is rapidly shifting your attention back and forth between things.
I caught myself doing it again last week.I was having coffee with an old colleague who was sharing a challenging situation about their team.Before they could even finish, I was already jumping in with my own story about a similar situation I'd faced.
We all have them - those people who can take you from calm to triggered in seconds. The family member who knows exactly what to say to get under your skin. The person who constantly interrupts you in meetings. What's fascinating isn't that they can trigger us - it's that they can do it so predictably, almost like pressing a button. Here's what most people get wrong: They think the solution is changing the other person's behaviour. But that's like trying to control the weather. Your time and attention is much better placed in understanding your own triggers.
ver notice how quickly we jump to fixing things? Your friend starts sharing a problem, and halfway through their first sentence, you're already formulating solutions. Your colleague raises an issue, and before they've finished explaining, you're offering three different ways to solve it. We think we're being helpful.
As we approach the new year, many of us will make resolutions about exercise, diet, or productivity.But here's a thought: what if your biggest opportunity for growth lies in how you communicate?Every major breakthrough in your life - personal or professional - will likely come through conversation.
In sensitive conversations, the key is to slow everything down. Speaking more slowly and using silence effectively gives people the space they need to think and feel without pressure.
The way you speak shapes how you experience life and influences the outcomes of your conversations. Think of yourself as a meaning-maker; you create meaning through the words you choose.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is key to becoming a great negotiator and communicator.It's even seen as a better predictor of life success than IQ.EQ was first defined in 1990 by psychologists as the ability to recognise feelings in yourself and others and use this to guide your behaviour.
Whatever you focus on and the meaning you give it will affect how you feel and, subsequently, the actions you then take.This, in turn, will affect how the other person perceives you and how they respond.This can be seen in the diagram of the ‘Betari’s box’ concept, which illustrates how your attitude and behaviour affects the attitude and behaviour of the people you interact with.
In any situation requiring strong communication, but particularly in a crisis, there is no room for ego. The most effective negotiators realise this and park theirs at the door. They understand the necessity of being able to manage their thoughts and behaviour effectively.
How you negotiate with yourself is crucial.Those conversations are probably the most important ones you’ll ever have.Achieving the result you’re looking for, whether that’s a pay rise, a business deal or training to run your first marathon, depends on whether you negotiate with yourself using empowering and positive language or the disempowering and negative kind.
When triggered, your reaction can range from unhealthy (e.g., reaching for your phone, smoking, overeating) to beneficial (exercising, journaling, meditating).The key lies in identifying the brief moment between the trigger and your response.This approach, as Victor Frankl (Austrian neurologist, psychologist and Holocaust survivor) suggested, allows you to move through life with grace, authenticity, and meaning.It helps you become the calm centre in the middle of any storm, improving your ability to handle stress, stay present, and maintain control.
Avoid these 3 barriers to great communication
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, both of you trying to prove you're right, knowing full well that neither of you is the enemy?
Picture this: A sunny afternoon, a winding road in the hills. Philip, a $200 million business tycoon, is driving his new BMW to the airport.Suddenly, three pickup trucks box him in. Men in balaclavas, brandishing AK47s, surround him.Within moments, Philip is blindfolded, bound, and thrown into a truck.The kidnappers torch his BMW, leaving no trace.This isn't fiction.This was the beginning of one of the most challenging kidnap negotiations I've ever faced.Today, I'm sharing three critical techniques from this case that can transform your business dealings and personal interactions.
Have you ever felt like a hostage to your own emotions? I certainly have.Picture this: I'm in a cramped London flat, surrounded by a distraught family. Their son has been kidnapped, and I'm their lifeline.My heart's pounding, hands slightly shaking.I'm supposed to be the expert, but in that moment, I feel anything but.That was my first kidnapping case.It taught me a crucial lesson: before I could negotiate with kidnappers, I needed to negotiate with myself.You see, whether you're dealing with hostile kidnappers or a difficult colleague, the key to success lies in mastering your mindset and emotions.
The saying 'No mud, no lotus', attributed to Thich Nhat Hanh (Buddhist monk and peace activist), embodies the fact that even the hardest of times can yield beautiful lessons and help us find empowering meaning.
I know your inbox is probably drowning in Black Friday offers right now (mine too!). I've mentioned this deal a couple of times, but this really is your last chance to grab it - and I genuinely believe it could transform your life.
First, thank you for entering the Order Out of Chaos signed book giveaway.While you weren't the lucky winner this time, I wanted to reach out with some exciting news.The paperback edition of my Sunday Times bestseller Order Out of Chaos launches on November 8th, and here's why you might want to grab a copy…
I wanted to reach out with some exciting news.The paperback edition of my Sunday Times bestseller Order Out of Chaos launches on November 8th, and here's why you might want to grab a copy…Every day, we face conversations that shape our lives - from negotiating a promotion to resolving family conflicts. But most of us were never taught how to handle them effectively.
Let's Transform How you Handle Critical Conversations.
FAQs
Explore common inquiries about questioning techniques and their effective use in professional contexts.
What are questioning techniques?
Questioning techniques are strategic methods used to elicit information, clarify understanding, and influence outcomes. They are essential tools in professional communication, helping to guide conversations effectively. By employing these techniques, individuals can foster deeper engagement and achieve desired results.
How do they work?
These techniques function by prompting the other party to think critically and respond thoughtfully. They can reshape the direction of a conversation and uncover valuable insights. By utilizing the right questions, you can create a more dynamic dialogue.
When to use them?
Use questioning techniques during high-stakes conversations where clarity and influence are crucial. They are particularly effective in negotiations, interviews, and conflict resolution. Timing and context are key to maximizing their impact.
What are the benefits?
The benefits include improved communication, enhanced understanding, and the ability to steer discussions toward favorable outcomes. By mastering these techniques, you can build rapport and trust with your audience. Ultimately, they empower you to become a more effective communicator.
Can I learn more?
Absolutely! There are numerous resources available to help you master questioning techniques. Consider exploring workshops, online courses, or books dedicated to effective communication strategies.