Mastering the First Step Using MORE PIES to Truly Understand the Other Side

In any conflict or negotiation, we are desperate to be understood. We focus on crafting the perfect argument, finding the most compelling data, and articulating our position with unassailable logic. But this is a fundamental mistake. As the great Stephen Covey said, we must first "seek to understand, then to be understood."

This isn't just good advice; it's a strategic imperative. You cannot influence someone whose perspective you do not understand. You cannot solve a problem you have not fully diagnosed. The first step in any successful influence operation is always information gathering. And the most powerful tool for gathering information in a conversation is not a clever question, but a disciplined commitment to active listening.

To make this skill practical and repeatable, I teach a simple mnemonic that contains a full suite of listening tools: MORE PIES. Mastering these techniques is the foundation of the Empathy Loop and the key to unlocking what the other side truly wants.

Your Toolkit for Deep Listening: MORE PIES

Think of MORE PIES not as a rigid sequence, but as a set of tools you can pull from your toolkit at any point in a conversation to encourage the other person to talk, clarify their position, and feel understood.

• M - Minimal Encouragers: These are the small verbal and non-verbal cues that say, "I'm with you, keep going." Simple phrases like "I see," "uh-huh," "okay," or even just a nod, show that you are paying attention without interrupting their flow. They are the lubricant of any productive conversation.
• O - Open-Ended Questions: These are questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." They are discovery tools that invite the other person to elaborate. Start your questions with words like "What," "How," or "Walk me through..." For example, instead of "Are you unhappy with the proposal?" closed, ask, "What are your concerns about the proposal?" open.
• R - Reflecting/Mirroring: This is the simple act of repeating the last one-to-three key words the other person has said. It's a remarkably effective technique for getting someone to expand on a point without feeling interrogated. If they say, "The timeline is just completely unrealistic," you can simply respond with a questioning tone, "Unrealistic?" This prompts them to explain why it's unrealistic, giving you valuable information.
• E - Effective Pauses: Silence is one of the most underutilised tools in communication. When you ask a question, or after the other person makes a point, pause for a few seconds longer than feels comfortable. Most people will rush to fill the silence, often revealing more than they had planned.
• I - 'I' Messages: When you need to express a difficult point or a feeling, frame it from your perspective using an "I" statement. This avoids blame and reduces defensiveness. Instead of "You broke your promise," try, "When the deadline was missed, I felt concerned because I had committed to the client."
• E - Emotional Labelling: This is the advanced skill of identifying the emotion behind the other person's words and reflecting it back to them. "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated," or "It seems like you're worried about the potential risk." When you correctly label an emotion, the other person feels deeply understood, which instantly de-escalates tension.
• S - Summarising: This is where you tie everything together. Periodically, summarise the other person's position and feelings in your own words. "So, let me make sure I've got this right. It sounds like your main concerns are the aggressive timeline and the lack of resources, and that's making you feel anxious about our ability to deliver. Is that about right?" This demonstrates that you have not only heard them but have understood them.

From Listening to Influence

Mastering the MORE PIES toolkit is not about being passive. It is an active, strategic process of information gathering. Every time you use one of these techniques, you are encouraging the other side to share more about their needs, their constraints, and their motivations.

This information is the raw material of influence. Once you truly understand their world, you can frame your proposals in a way that speaks directly to their interests. You can solve their problems, not just your own. This is the path from conflict to collaboration, and it all starts with the disciplined decision to stop talking and truly listen.

Are you ready to become a Level 5 listener?

The MORE PIES framework is a core component of our negotiation and Conflict Resolutions training. Contact us to learn how we can help your team build these essential communication skills.