The Negotiation Stairway The 5 Steps to Unlocking Genuine Influence

We have all been there. You are in a negotiation, armed with impeccable logic, compelling data, and a proposal that is, by all objective measures, a fantastic deal for the other side. Yet, they won't budge. The more you push your facts and figures, the more they dig in their heels. The conversation goes in circles, and you walk away frustrated, the deal undone.

The mistake in this scenario is a fundamental one. You are trying to w in an argument, when you should be trying to build influence. You are trying to ascend to the top floor of a building without taking the stairs.

In hostage negotiation, we learned long ago that you cannot force a behavioural change in another person through logic or coercion. You must guide them there. This process follows a strict, five-step model that I call the Negotiation Stairway. It is the single most reliable roadmap to genuine, sustainable influence, and it applies as much to a multi-billion-pound merger as it does to a life-or-death crisis.

The Five Steps of the Negotiation Stairway

Imagine a staircase. To get to the top, you must climb each step in order. Skipping a step is impossible; if you try, you will fall. Influence is the same. Each step on the Negotiation Stairway is a prerequisite for the one that follows.

Step 1: Active Listening

This is the foundation of the entire process. It is the most critical and, sadly, the most poorly executed skill in the business world. Active listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. It is a disciplined practice of silencing your own internal monologue to fully understand the other person's world. It involves using specific techniques — which I call MORE PIES (Minimal Encouragers, Open Questions, Reflecting, etc.) — to gather information and, more importantly, to make the other person feel heard. Until your counterpart feels genuinely heard, their bra in is physically incapable of moving on to consider your perspective.

Step 2: Empathy

Once you have listened, you must demonstrate that you have understood. This is empathy in action. It is not about agreeing with the other person, nor is it about feeling sorry for them (that's sympathy). It is about articulating their perspective back to them accurately and without judgment. This is explained in more detail in our article on the Empathy Loop.

Simple phrases like, "It sounds like you're concerned about the integration timeline," or "It seems like you feel the valuation doesn't acknowledge the work your team has done," are incredibly powerful. When you can accurately name their emotion or their position, it has a profound psychological effect. It defuses negativity and signals that you are an ally, not an adversary.

Step 3: Rapport

When you consistently demonstrate empathy, something remarkable happens: you build rapport. Rapport is that feeling of connection and trust. It's the sense that you are "in sync" with the other person. It is the essential ingredient that transforms a confrontational dynamic into a collaborative one. You cannot fake rapport. It is the natural outcome of the hard work you have done in the first two steps. Without rapport, any attempt to influence is just manipulation, and it will almost always be rejected.

Step 4: Influence

This is the first point in the entire process where you can beg in to introduce your own agenda, your own ideas, your own solutions. Because you have established a foundation of rapport and trust, the other person is now psychologically open to hearing your perspective. Their defensive walls are down. They are moving from a state of fear to a state of curiosity. Now, when you present your proposal, it is not received as a demand, but as a potential solution from a trusted partner.

Step 5: Behavioural Change

This is the ultimate goal. Behavioural change is the moment the other party agrees to your terms, signs the contract, or says "yes." It is not something you achieve; it is something the other person chooses to do because you have successfully guided them through the preceding four steps. They are not conceding; they are collaborating. They are not being forced; they are being led.

Key Takeaways for Leaders

The Negotiation Stairway is a discipline. It requires patience and a commitment to the process, especially when you are under pressure.

• Respect the Sequence: In your next negotiation, consciously identify which step you are on. Do not try to jump to Influence (Step 4) before you have established genuine Rapport (Step 3). If you meet resistance, it is almost always because you have skipped a step. Go back down the stairway and do the work.
• The Goal is Not Agreement, It's Understanding: Shift your internal goal. Stop trying to win the point and focus exclusively on understanding their point of view so deeply that you could argue it for them. When you achieve that, the agreement will follow.
• Influence is Earned, Not Demanded: You have no right to influence another person until you have put in the effort to make them feel seen, heard, and understood. The Negotiation Stairway is the work required to earn that right.

Master this five-step process, and you will possess the blueprint for influence in any situation. You will not only close more deals, but you will also build stronger, more resilient relationships that last long after the negotiation is over.