Are you really listening, or just waiting to speak?

Hi,

Thanks for joining me this week.

As a reminder:

I’ll send you a useful tip each week to help you improve your communication skills.

_{TIP OF THE WEEK}

I caught myself doing it again last week.

I was having coffee with an old colleague who was sharing a challenging situation about their team.

Before they could even finish, I was already jumping in with my own story about a similar situation I'd faced.

Sound familiar?

This is something I notice constantly in high-performing environments.

Someone shares something important, and we immediately relate it back to our own experience:

• "Oh that happened to me too, but even worse..."
• "I know exactly how you feel, last month I..."
• "That's nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me..."

Our intention is good.

We're trying to connect, to demonstrate that we understand.

But it actually does the opposite.

Instead of creating a connection, we:

• Make the conversation about us
• Minimise their experience
• Miss crucial information
• Leave them feeling unheard

I learned this lesson the hard way during my early days of hostage negotiation.

I was so eager to demonstrate my experience and expertise that I kept interrupting families to share stories from previous cases.

A senior colleague pulled me aside and said something I'll never forget:

"The family doesn't care about your other cases. They care about their case. Just listen."

This hit home because it's true in every conversation:

• Your team member sharing a challenge doesn't need your war stories
• Your partner venting about their day doesn't need your similar experience
• Your friend discussing their goals doesn't need to hear about yours

They need to be heard.

Here's what to do instead:

When someone's sharing something important, fight the urge to jump in with your story.

Instead, get curious.

Ask a question that helps you understand their experience better:

• "What was that like for you?"
• "How did you handle that?"
• "What's your next move?"

The results?

People feel truly heard.

You gather better information.

You build deeper trust.

_{Key Takeaway}

The strongest connections don't come from sharing your similar experience. They come from creating space for others to share theirs.

_{1 QUESTION FOR YOU}

Which of your relationship might deepen if you focused purely on understanding rather than sharing?

_{2 QUOTES THAT STOOD OUT TO ME THIS WEEK}

"There's a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.”
‍-  Simon Sinek

"Every act of communication is a miracle of translation.”
‍‍- Ken Liu

Until next week,

Scott

P.S. If you enjoyed my Sunday Times bestseller, Order Out of Chaos, you’ll love my follow-up, Eye of The Storm, out May 8th, 2025.

It’s packed with new insights and practical tools to help you stay calm, act decisively, and thrive under pressure.

Whether you're facing challenges at home, managing workplace demands, or dealing with daily stresses, this book will help you build resilience, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships.

I don’t know about you, but that seems like a great outcome for the year ahead!

Take advantage of early bird discounts and pre-order your copy here.

Did someone forward this to you? Sign up here to get the next one straight to your inbox.

‍