Last Tuesday, I was on a video call with a C-suite client when something familiar happened.
He was telling me about a senior VP who was "deliberately undermining" his authority.
The evidence?
The VP had launched a project without consulting him and had "clearly gone behind his back" to get board approval.
"He's trying to make me look bad," he insisted.
"How do you know that's his intention?" I asked.
There was a pause.
"Well, what else could it be?"
Quite a lot, as it turned out.
After some digging, we discovered the VP had actually tried to reach him three times before moving forward.
His executive assistant had been filtering these requests, thinking they were protecting his time.
The VP wasn't undermining him, he was trying to keep a time-sensitive opportunity from slipping away.
This happens constantly in my work.
People attribute malicious intent where none exists, and conversations quickly spiral into conflict.
Why does this happen?
When we lack information (which is basically always), our brains fill the gaps with assumptions.
In the absence of data, we create stories – and these stories are usually more negative than reality.
Here's why our assumptions are so dangerous:
- They feel like facts. Our assumptions don't come labelled as "wild guesses." They feel like direct observations.
- They're self-reinforcing. Once we make an assumption, we filter information to confirm it, creating a perfect loop of evidence.
- They're invisible to us. We rarely check our assumptions; we just act on them.
During hostage negotiations, making the wrong assumption about the kidnapper's motives or state of mind can be fatal.
But I've found the same dynamic ruins everyday conversations too.
My advice...
Next time you feel certain about someone's intentions, try this quick check:
- Identify the facts. What have you actually observed, separate from your interpretation?
- Name your assumption. What story are you telling yourself about these facts?
- Test it. Ask a question that might disprove your assumption.
For instance: "I noticed the project launched without our usual discussion. I'm curious about how that came about. Can you walk me through what happened?"
It might feel awkward at first, but it's saved me from more embarrassment than I can count.
Before you go, I’ve got a couple of quick updates for you:
Firstly, I recently joined Loren Greiff on her "Career Blast in a Half" podcast. We had a great conversation about navigating difficult workplace conversations. Listen on Apple Podcasts.
And if you haven't yet, don't forget to pre-order "Eye of the Storm". You can order your copy here. It's been quite the journey writing it, and I'm excited to get it into your hands in May.
Talk soon,
Scott
p.s. The Thrive Under Pressure waitlist members have already started claiming their spots, and we're down to just a handful of the 25 available places. If you're not on the waitlist, keep an eye on your inbox Tuesday for your chance to secure your place.
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