A Simple 4-Sentence Script to Make Difficult Conversations Easier

We've all been there. A sense of dread in the pit of your stomachbecause you need to have a difficult conversation. Whether it's with acolleague who missed a deadline, a client who is unhappy, or a familymember, we often avoid these conversations because we fear they willescalate into conflict. We don't know what to say or how to say itwithout making things worse.

What if you had a simple, clear, and non-confrontational script? Astructure that allows you to express your grievance in a way thatencourages dialogue instead of defensiveness. This tool exists. Adaptedfrom the work of therapist Janet Hurley and detailed in my book Eye ofthe Storm, this Four-Sentence Method is a powerful technique forresolving conflict constructively.

The Four Sentences That Can Change Everything

This method provides a blueprint for sharing your perspective whiletaking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. It is amasterclass in emotional regulation and is fundamental to effectivecommunication.

Here is the script:

1. "This is what I saw or heard."
   • Purpose: Start with objective, neutral, and observable facts.This is not about interpretation or blame; it's about sharing thespecific data point that triggered the issue.
   • Example: "I saw the client report was submitted after the 5 p.m.deadline."
2. "The story I tell myself is..." (or "This is what I made upabout it...")
   • Purpose: This is the crucial circuit-breaker. It explicitlyseparates the facts from your interpretation. You take ownershipof your narrative, which immediately lowers defensiveness in theother person.
   • Example: "The story I tell myself is that my contribution isn'tvalued and that the team's standards are slipping."
3. "This is how I felt."
   • Purpose: Use 'I' statements to express your emotion. This isabout vulnerability and honesty, not accusation.
   • Example: "Because of that story, I felt frustrated and worried."
4. "This is what would help me feel better."
   • Purpose: Most people skip this step. You must ask for what youwant. This is a clear, positive, and forward-looking request thatopens the door to a solution.
   • Example: "What would help me feel better is if we could agree toa clear process for meeting future deadlines."

From Conflict to Collaboration

This script is a powerful tool for conflict resolution because itshifts the dynamic from blame to collaboration. By taking responsibilityfor your own story and feelings, you invite the other person to sharetheir perspective without fear of attack. This creates the psychologicalsafety needed for joint problem-solving and effective decision-makingas a team.

Why This is a Key Negotiation Skill

Every difficult conversation is a micro-negotiation. You are statingyour position, seeking to understand the other's, and working towards amutually agreeable outcome. This four-sentence method is a structuredprocess for achieving that. It is a foundational skill taught inpractical negotiation training because it demonstrates how to beassertive yet empathetic, clear yet non-confrontational.

Don't wait for a major crisis. I encourage you to try this low-riskscript in a minor disagreement first. By practising this structuredapproach, you will build the confidence and skill to handle anydifficult conversation with grace and effectiveness.

Effective communication is the bedrock of success. Explore ScottWalker's corporate workshops to train your team in these powerfultechniques. [Link to Workshops Page]